damn!

cancer horoscope 10/11/09
You are fine with the idea of talking about your feelings today, even if you're normally quite shy, but you still don't want to bring up issues that might possibly be cause for rejection. However, when you realize that your fear of abandonment could be creating a self-fulfilling prophecy, it will be easier to handle the intense emotions that are revealed at this time.



I've been feeling super emo all day. no tenderness from the crush, no foolywang from the ex, no pop up from the regret and not even a text from the not-a-chance.
being the crazy cancer that i am, I've have a few detailed conversations with myself or better yet roll playing dialogue with myself all day. hashing out all the recent miscommunication, lack of communication and "how could u do me like that?? but i ain't mad" talks over and over again in my mind and a few out loud.
last week when my mom was visiting-i realized we have a 2 day cap on the good times. anything after that is risky. long story short we got the car towed, she thought it was the end of the world and stopped talking for the rest of the evening. so i stopped talking for the rest of her trip.
i looked at the overall situation and it all boils down to my fear of rejection and even bigger my fear of abandonment. while i thought she was behaving immaturely my "look on the bright side attitude" responded to her coldness and slid behind the ol' familiar shell of protection i usually reserve for the outside world. and day by day i felt my attitude and emotional state becoming worse and worse.
such a stupid thing totally sent me on a fall down the stairs---and guess what? i spent 80% of my off days, alone-----self fulfilling the prophecy of abandonment aka ALONE.
i did accomplish quite a bit though. got started on a few more prototypes for swag attach and mosaic tiled my dining set. BANG.
as far as the crush/new boy fixation......CRICKETS, loud CRICKETS as loud as crickets can get. don't even know if i should be having feelings let alone sharing them. he might get scared.
no thx.